Staying the Course-- Comfortably

A few weeks ago, hundreds of people met at Copley Square in Boston for World Pillow Fight Day. From Beijing to Boise, thousands came out for some lighthearted, mano-a-pillow combat.

As I ran around, walloping everyone from little kids to middle-aged women, I wondered how it would be if all warfare were as soft and cushy.

I suspect a typical evening newscast would go something like this:

ANCHOR: A cloud of down floats low over Baghdad this evening after hours of intense fighting between insurgents and American forces. The whumps of war could be heard for miles since the early morning when enemy forces ambushed a military convoy traveling north. Several troops were injured, including Sergeant Jason Estey.

ESTEY: It was just a routine mission on a protected highway, but then they came out of nowhere. There must have been 30 or 40 of ‘em, all in camouflage pajamas. They were armed to the teeth. One of them came at me pretty hard and I caught a zipper right under my eye. I called time out, but he didn’t listen.

ANCHOR: Sources tell us troops were armed with the latest in Tempur-Pedic technology, but experts say that couch cushions beaded throw pillows still pose a legitimate threat.

Another threat to American forces and civilians in war zones is the growing number of radicals making weapons out of themselves. A handful of civilians were squished yesterday when two men, wrapped in pillows from head to foot, ran wild through a marketplace, body-slamming multiple shoppers and one shopkeeper.

In other news, several government employees are recovering this evening after a Peep bomb went off in front of the U.S. Embassy. The device, which consisted of a highly-concentrated marshmallow-sprinkle compound, went off just after 10am local time, making a very sticky mess.

According to a report by the American Medical Association, at least 12 veterans whose tours of duty ended in late 2003 have fallen ill with a mysterious disease. Common symptoms are swollen cheeks and incoherent speech. Health specialists are still trying to determine the cause of what they are now calling Chubby Bunny Syndrome.

Turning to the economy, the price of fluff broke $100 per bail today. This has reignited suspicions among consumer analysts about the practices of the nation’s leading fluff provider.

Last month, Build-a-Bear Factory Inc. posted its highest yearly profits to date—over $43 billion.

We’ll be back with more news after this commercial break.

SOLDIER: When I was a kid, I shared a bunk bed with my brother. You couldn’t really horse around on it. But now, I’m out there everyday on twins, queens, kings, even water beds. I think maybe the biggest mattress I ever saw back home cost $700 at Bob’s Discount. But this right here, this is the real deal.

VOICEOVER: Learn more at DoAmazingStuff.com

ANCHOR: Top military officials came under fire today after an investigation revealed multiple instances of alleged prisoner abuse. Allegations include the use of wet willies, pink bellies and Indian sunburns as methods of interrogation. The president issued a statement today, making one thing very clear.

PRESIDENT: The United States does not tickle torture.

ANCHOR: That does it for this evening’s newscast. We hope you’ll join us later tonight for the next chapter in our special series on the twentieth century: The Sixties: A Generation of Pez, Hugs and Self-Control.

Thank you and good night.